Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Check it out. I'm here to reveal that, thanks to the USA-BOT (Bartleby Over Terrorists) Act, unspeakably horrid enemy attacks have been averted. In fact, an average of 3.5 major Al-Qaeda attacks per day have thwarted by me, personally and unaided, since 9/12/01. Obviously, I can't tell you about any of them, because of the danger of those dirty Ay-rabs finding out about my secret methods, which are all legal because I do them and I am Bartleby-in-Chief, keeping all you Little Americans safe by day and by night. No, no, don't thank me; just send me your sons, your daughters, your money ... oh, and your civil liberties. Shucks, you weren't using them anyway.
In the thwarted plot that I can reveal now, diabolical fundamentalist foreigners planned to take control of a Greyhound bus, using what we call a "shoe bomb" -- you have to remember, now, these terrorists haven't so much as washed their feet or changed their socks in decades; all they have to do is slip those shoes off, and the driver would be instantly overcome -- and drive it right into a Toby Keith concert, driving right up through the capacity crowd and onto the stage, killing or at least disabling Toby himself. But, using my secret BSA (Bartleby Security Agency) wireless Universal Phone Tapper, and also the Echelon and Carnivore Super-Duper E-Mail Grab'n'Reader, I was able to stop this plot, and now the Gitmo Extreme Sports Team has dozens of new Waterboarders. Cowabunga, boys! Mission Accomplished!
Here's the thing, though ... there's still lots of terrorists out there. Lots. However many you think there are, there's more. And they're gonna be putting burquas on your grandma and your little sister and making you get on a funny rug five times a day to pray to Allah, unless the USA-BOT Act is renewed forever and ever. Go shopping, but have your papers ready to show to the nice man ... any nice man who wants to see 'em, that is. Do as you're told, support Bartleby, and there's no reason why you shouldn't stay safe from terror. Remember, there's a war on ... and Bartleby's your Wartime Leader.